mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
