i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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