Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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