my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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