Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
