The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
