I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize