His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
