My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
