Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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