Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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