I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
