I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
