I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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