I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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