He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
