I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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