"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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