I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
