I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
