He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
