My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
