Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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