I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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