Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
