I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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