it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
