Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
