6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
