How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Randomize
