i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
My cat gives me a boner
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
