Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
