There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize