Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
