I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
