He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
