i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Randomize
