I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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