I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
