New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
