help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
