the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
