I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
