and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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