his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize