Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
