Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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