Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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