I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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