I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
