Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My penis needs a shock collar
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
