My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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