Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize