I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
