I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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