i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
