you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
