me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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