im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
