Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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