she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
