I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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