Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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