yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
