OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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