Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
