I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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