that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
