My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
